my adorable stalker

Posted on January 20, 2012

No, I am not arguing that stalking is okay, or that a guy enforcing his presence in a woman’s life is not Deeply Creepy. What I am saying is that stalking is adorable IF AND ONLY IF your stalker is a cat.*

Those of you who follow me on Instagram** know my stalker, Lola. She is a kitty who belongs to my neighbors, a loving, attentive family who do not neglect her in the slightest. I am but the woman in the next house, who likes to pet Lola when she shows up on the porch but — being allergic to cats — offers no other closeness.

And yet somehow Lola has decided that WE ARE DESTINED.

She sits on my windowsill for hours. And hours and hours. She can stare at me for at least 90 minutes at a go; I have clocked it no farther because I can’t take any longer than that, and then I go hide in another room. Sometimes Lola perches on my car so she’ll be sure to get me on my way out. Other times she sits on the lid of my garbage bin. I never turn on the porch light until right before I go out, because otherwise she’ll be waiting at the crack of the door to dart inside.

(She has, to date, achieved House Invasion on three occasions. Once I had to fish her out from under my bed; another time, party guests took care of this. The third time, I was able to tip over a chair, effectively blocking her from leaving the front room, and after a moment she darted back out.)

Since Christmastime, Lola’s stalking has escalated to the point of murder. Yes, the victims are small creatures — birds and rats — but that is still highly disturbing to find on your front steps. They are offered as gifts of love, which I get, but honestly, a Starbucks gift card = so much nicer.

What have I done to deserve such devotion? Right now it is more cute than creepy. Will it remain so? (Much has to do with the placement/condition of any future dead animals left on my steps.)

* or maybe a chinchilla, I don’t know whether they do this kind of thing, but they are super-cute little devils.

** FYI, Instagram is the only social media where, if you follow me, you are guaranteed a follow back. I make no promises about Twitter/LJ/etc., but I will definitely give you a shot on Instagram. You can blow that shot, though; I’ll unfollow if you spam the heck out of it, but only then.